Earlier this year, we made the transition from a world where everyone wants to be The Barista, to this strange planet where the average job title has more than 8 syllables. We have ergonomic chairs.  

Yasmine included the phrase ‘team player’ on her CV but she used it ironically. Yasmine is a tyrant, and according to the office quiz, a ‘dangerous narcissist’, character traits expected of someone who has spent many years behind a coffee machine. Recent emails (sub heading: URGENT) sent to Yasmine’s boss:

We don’t have any coffee.

Are you going to get coffee?

There is no coffee.

Rachel managed to weasel her way into the office a little while after Yasmine. In her first weeks of employment, she avoided being outed as a fraud by pretending to take important phone calls when asked to do something.

Useful things we have learnt during our time in the office:

Autonomy - Like all long-term hospos, we have been institutionalised. In an office environment you don't have to update your colleagues about your where-abouts every 15 minutes. No one cares if you're 'just going to the toilet.'

Deadlines - deadlines are just guidelines.

Milestones - things that have deadlines/ guidelines attached to them.

Meetings - There are a lot of meetings. But meetings = Kingston Creams.

Excel - is sick and wrong. We have both put in requests for assistants to deal with all the Excel.

Vocabulary - we have added the following words to our once limited vocabularies: transformative, activate, zeitgeist, collaboration, populate, socials, Dropbox, meeting, matrix. Rachel thought this word was made up when the hit film came to a cinema near you! She refuses to believe that staff are serious when using this word.

If left in the office alone, after eating all the biscuits, we practice putting all of the above words into a sentence:

Rachel, after you’ve polished off the rest of those Kingston Creams, I need to you activate a transformative matrix addressing all the relevant collaborations and populate it with zeitgeists before adding it to Dropbox and scheduling a meeting about putting it on socials.

We have learnt to nod in agreement or give off an air of confidence and understanding when we have no idea what someone is talking about. This is called acting, which is followed by a lot of Googling. KPI stands for Key Performance Indicator. You’re welcome.

Parties - Apparently these jobs involve a lot of parties towards the end of the year but we have to work at them. The first one is being held at the Goods Shed tomorrow. All invited.